Confrontation, Speaking the Truth in Love, and Unity

Recently I disappointed a friend. We have all been there for a hundred different reasons. She was hurting and needed time, the one thing I didn’t have to give. I could later in the day or the next, but couldn’t come to her aid right then. Her need was real, but I couldn’t meet it in the way she had hoped. From her response I knew that it frustrated and disappointed her.

My heart ached, because I had hoped to grow closer with this new friend. Though I knew that our friendship could not progress under such expectation. So when this happened I instinctively shrunk inwardly from this relationship. I responded apologetically and made an internal decision to distance myself.

The same week I was reading through Ephesians 4, and brushed passed the call to unity as something that I was good on. Besides, I try hard to control my words and thoughts against critical attitudes towards the church. I am very familiar with the feeling of conviction when my heart and mind crosses the line and trespasses against Christ’s beloved in this way. It is a sickening feeling that I prefer to avoid. So at first glance I thought, “‘eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace’..yes, okay what’s next Paul.”

However, the Holy Spirit shook me from my nonchalance.

Am I eager and passionate about pursuing unity? If I was eager for unity would I have so casually made the decision to distance myself from this sister? Or would I have instead been burdened with a desire to speak the truth in love. I realized that many times I have contributed to disunity not because of what I did, but because of what I didn’t do. Fear and selfishness have held me back from speaking the truth in love.

There are three deviations from speaking the truth in love: avoidance, hinting through passive aggression, and lashing out in aggressive confrontation. All of these have our selves as the center.

The enemy delights in hijacking relational complications for his purpose of disunity. As Christians, unity is our shocking, other- worldly light that shines very brightly in a world that gets daily doses of hatred, criticism, fraud, and phony interactions. It’s evidence of a love that is not from this earth, that is not human, and that conquerors all.

If we are to be eager for unity we have to be willing to do the relational and personal work. I have often heard it said, “I’m not good at confrontation.” I would say that when emotions and friendship are involved many shrink from the highest call of love and unity. I know I have and can.

Laboring for unity looks like taking it to our Father first, processing our hurt feelings or another’s offense towards us with Him. God may reveal that it is our heart alone that needed altering in the matter. Growing in unity will sometimes be about us privately growing and learning before God, so that we are free to forgive and extend grace as we walk in unity with others.

When we seek God in the matter he will at times, compel us to vulnerably approach an issue for the sake of unity. Relationships may require this vulnerability to be able to move forward in authenticity and intimacy. Speaking the truth in love puts aside cowardice, insecurity, and selfish gain for the sake of real love between family members. A family that is meant to reflect the same unity the Father has with the Son and Spirit.

We chase unity because we believe we have been unified through Christ. In Ephesians 2 we see that the walls of hostility have been broken down through the power of the gospel. The church is unified, therefore we can confidently pursue unity knowing that the very power of Christ meets to help us and has already accomplished what we pursue.

Four Disciplines for a Healthy Identity

I originally wrote this post for the blog at Flourish. I would encourage you to take some time and browse their website. It is an incredible ministry for women.

I pray that this post blesses you.

It was like ice water to the face, I became a pastor’s wife at 22 years old. I was not prepared for the onslaught of busyness, spiritual warfare, and expectation. I had no coping plan. The brunt force of my own idealistic expectations and other’s real and perceived expectations hijacked my identity.

‘Pastor’s wife’ became foundational to my identity instead of solely my calling. These impossible expectations personified into a false inner coach who barked orders and criticized when demands where unmet. This inner voice was my constant companion choking out truth.

The ability to meet these demands became the measure of my value. I gobbled down man’s affirmation, seeking fleeting moments of peace only to burnout and become discouraged when the opinions of others flat-lined or when my self-expectations proved unattainable.

Through our self-talk we are always assigning ourselves an identity. Questions of self-doubt will always come. “Is who I am enough? Am I strong enough? Faith filled enough? Godly enough?”

I have often shopped for these answers horizontally in people’s opinion of me or from my ability to perform, plunging myself into a frenzied cycle of busyness and perfectionism. This cycle can mobilize an attack of discouragement, burnout, depression, or anxiety.

I remember a breaking point I had during the beginning days of our first church plant. I had been running hard on the hamster wheel of perfectionism, trying hard to meet every expectation. One Sunday morning I found my self-fueled endurance depleted and I dragged myself out of bed feeling like a zombie. I felt an inner panic as I got ready that morning, trying to gather my scattered thoughts and emotions. It felt impossible, even unbearable, to walk into those two doors and be “on”. I wanted to hide from the world, from people, and from my weakness. I looked in the mirror and saw a failure. How did I get to this place? How do I get out? And how do I protect myself from returning again?

If I could sit across a living room from you, I would tell you that four disciplines have helped as I continually ward off this battle.

Preach truth to yourself.

Be proactive with your self-talk. When the questions “Am I enough?” or “Can I do this?” come, may the truth of Christ and who He has made you to be, be your ready answer.

God calls me by name and I am His. I am his workmanship created for good works that he has prepared in advance for me. He gives me everything I need for life and godliness. I am called a daughter and a friend of God. I am free from sin. I have peace with God through Christ. I can come boldly into his presence and find help in my neediness. My life is hidden in Christ. His love, patience, and strength are unfailing.

Fire your inner coach.

May the inner voice assigning your identity, be Truth.

Extend Grace to Yourself.

How I have belittled God’s grace by refusing to extend it to myself. If we passionately teach and advocate for God’s grace everywhere else but our own hearts, the hypocrisy of our perfectionism and self-sufficiency empties our message. I even made a sign to hang in my office to daily remind me of this discipline. The sign simply read, “Extend grace to yourself today”.

Give yourself permission to be needy in Christ.

I hate the idea of being a needy woman. I would rather a southern bell “Bless my heart” about pretty much anything else. “Bless her heart she hasn’t lost her pregnancy weight.” “Bless her heart she is just plain tacky.” “Bless her heart she can’t cook worth a lick.” These would all be welcome if I could just not be NEEDY! But we must put our aversion aside in humility and be needy before Christ. We are and will forever be in desperate need of his strength and help. May we not be afraid of our weaknesses, but may they be what compel us to run to the feet of our Jesus.

Embrace your design.

What a waste to spend our valuable energy on being sorry for what we aren’t. Our enemy seeks to entrap us in jealousy and insecurity through comparison. All the while we scoff at our own design in discontentment and approach our God assignments with a sense of self-defeat. A mighty woman is one who chooses to embrace her design. This woman’s fearsome boldness translates into great kingdom influence.

Shake it off, cause baby you’re a firework?

strong womanNo one likes the idea of being weak. What comes to mind when you think of pop culture’s idea of strength in women? I have a 15 year old daughter so I think of Taylor Swift who says, ” The players gonna play play play play play. Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate. Heart breakers gonna break break break break break. Just shake it off, shake it off.”

Katy Perry says you are a firework. “You just gotta ignite your light and let it shine. Own the night like the 4th of July. Cause baby you’re a firework cmon show’em what you’re worth make em go ah, ah, ah as you shoot across the sky-y-y.” Katy we are not even really sure what you mean by “make em go ah, ah, ah”?

Or we could be like Beyonce who is not afraid to tell you like it is. “To the left, to the left. Everything you own in a box to the left. Yes, In the closet that’s my stuff yes if I bought it please don’t touch…You must not know bout me, you must not know bout me..”

  • Does strength mean independence? Not needing anyone? Not caring what people say or think? The one who shakes off the hurt and pain. Is this the strong woman?
  • Or is it the woman who seems to have it all together? You are pretty sure Proverbs 31 is a biographical sketch of her life and her household is pinterest.com. Her ceiling fans are dusted, her paleo dinner is in the oven, and her kids never disobey. Is this what strength looks like?
  • Or is it the woman who is experiencing hurt that would suffocate anyone else, but she sucks it up and puts on smiles and determination. Is this strong? Is it strong to hide and stuff your pain?
  • Or is it the tough girl who doesn’t take anything from anyone and will tell you exactly how she sees it. You better not cross her or you’ll be sorry? And life’s too short to sugar coat and to pretend, so you better develop a tougher skin.

Proverbs 31:17 & 25 says that strength is a godly woman’s clothing, that she actually dresses herself with strength. Are we to dress our self with independence, the pursuit of perfection, the skills of how to hide and stuff our pain, and toughness? Is this strength?

Let me bring to your mind the story of a very strong girl.

An angel appeared to Mary and told her that though she was a virgin she would conceive a child, and he would be the Messiah, the Most High God. Mary believed whole-heartedly when the angel said, “For nothing is impossible with God.”

In Mary’s culture adultery was punishable by public stoning, yet in the midst of possible death and certain public ridicule she trusts God. She boldly declares before angels and God,“I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true” (Luke 1:38). After this angelic visit, it says that Mary leaves in a hurry to visit her cousin Elizabeth

When Mary arrives at her cousins she does not collapse into Elizabeth’s arms to cry in fear and despair. No, she sings praise to God, because she trusts in him. “Oh how my soul praises the Lord. How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!” Luke 1:46-47

Mary believed and trusted in the midst of the trials. It was this trust that was her strength. This is the strength that enabled her to praise God instead of fall to pieces. She believed God would come through for her. She hoped in God’s promises and his faithfulness instead of focusing on the unknown.

Mary is what a woman clothed in strength looks like. What unknowns are you facing right now? What hurts? What trials? What ridicule? Will you trust God and speak his praises, clothing yourself in strength?

May it be said of us as it was said of Abraham, “Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises.” Rom 4:20-21

Marriage: What We’ve Learned in 9 Years

xS90Ag1YZVTyvs9b-RoDORsHUouBsPG8VmR1x-ISo9AThis week I celebrate my nine-year wedding anniversary. As a result of getting married young, a big part of our journey has been growing up together. When I got married I thought that I was a secure and godly woman. Though it took little time for newlywed whiplash to set in as God revealed selfishness and pride that needed to be wrecked in my heart.

We have not arrived, nor will we ever, no matter how many precious days God gives us. The sanctifying work of marriage will continue until we meet our beautiful Jesus face to face. With this being said, I have asked Joshua to help me share with you some of what we have learned in nine years of marriage.

1. If there ever was a secret to marriage it would be forgiveness. Every time your heart clutches to its justification to hold onto to hurt, do not tolerate it. Any time our flesh cries out “It’s not fair!” Let us remember our Savior. He was without sin, gave up his rights as King of the Universe, came to earth to take our sin on himself to die the death we deserve. When we forgive we are loving Jesus well, as well as loving our spouse well.

2. Love is not a feeling to be felt but action to be practiced. New romance is exciting no doubt, but in our culture new love is taken and confused for the goal. I enjoy a good romantic comedy as much as the next girl. However, personal fulfillment and happiness are outgrowths of marriage, they cannot become our goal. Marriage is about bringing glory to God and about him working out holiness in our hearts. He brought you and your spouse together, not so you could “complete each other”, but so that your covenantal love and commitment would demonstrate the covenantal love of God shown through Christ. This illustrates to the world a love that is otherworldly.

3. Make friendship a priority. Take time to reconnect. In a typical week this looks like being intentional with each other for an hour or two every few days. I don’t mean staring into others eyes for an hour talking about the most intense things you can think of (and all the men said hallelujah). This looks like listening and responding to each other, playing a game together, going on a walk, making a date lunch or dinner happen, or a late night run for ice cream. Play together often. Learning to date and play together is vital for a healthy friendship. Whatever you enjoy doing, make it a priority and do it. Our marriages are a reflection of God’s relational essence towards mankind. This involves many different aspects, but delighting in each other is an important one.

Keep trying to enjoy each other’s hobbies, even if it doesn’t come naturally. I am still working on this one. I’m under no illusion that I will ever have the same capacity to enjoy watching so many different sports as often as my sweet husband. However, every year I get a little better at understanding and a little better at watching games. As for Joshua, he recently watched all five BBC episodes of Pride and Prejudice (the Herculean effort he exerted was not lost to me). And every time I reread one of my favorite classics he patiently listens as I read the same excerpts I’ve read to him a dozen times before. He still may not know the plot of Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre, but give me 9 more years ;)

Take mini-vacays. I’ve heard it said a change of place and a change of pace results in a change of perspective. At least once a year Joshua and I get away for one or two nights. In the 365 days in a year take one or two days to invest in your friendship together and get away. It doesn’t have to be far away, just get out of the routine of life together. There have been times when we both were so emotionally and spiritually exhausted that what we needed was to read, journal, and to rest in solitude. Other times we have needed to hash through struggles, trials, and difficulties. While other times we’ve needed to be light-hearted and dream. And sometimes we have needed to be fed and we have gone to a conference to seek God together. All of these resulted in rich reconnection.

4. Show love to your spouse in the way they need. You may have noticed from #3 that I am a quality time girl. It is the primary way I receive and feel loved and it is the most natural way for me to give love. However, my husband is acts of service/kindness. I must be intentional in showing my husband love and appreciation in the way he most naturally receives and feels loved. Identify what each others primary love language is and start communicating to your spouse accordingly. (Words of Affirmation/Encouragment, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Gifts, and Acts of Service)

5. Learn to fight. This is a marriage skill that takes time and commitment to learn. And each marriage with its’ unique combination of personalities and backgrounds will be different. But two keys are to avoid the power plays of withholding communication and spewing in anger.
Don’t withhold communication. This often leads to a stockpiling of frustration or hurt that will eventually be dump-trucked on your spouse. Sometimes withholding comes from fear and/or sometimes it is from a desire to punish by withholding love. Do not let fear steal from the growth in your marriage and do not let the sin of punishing your spouse poison your intimacy. When we are stingy with what we are willing to share with God in prayer, the result is a breakdown of intimacy and a shutting down of surrender. The same is true in marriage. Avoidance builds a wall and stunts the growth in the relationship, while surrender and vulnerability makes love and intimacy the goal.
In your anger don’t sin. You may not be an avoider you may be a spewer. If you are married to an avoider nothing else will shut them down faster, and if you are married to another spewer the result will be explosive. Sometimes we can excuse harsh corrections or jabs as things “they needed to hear” or “it’s just the truth”. Our words need to be seasoned with the grace of the gospel. They are not meant to be weapons but communication is a tool to nourish and facilitate greater intimacy and growth.

6. Don’t try to fix her every concern. I didn’t realize this when we got married. Therefore, every time Tish’s heart spoke out a concern over any issue at all, I would feel responsible for fixing it, immediately. This led to me feeling like a failure because I wasn’t able to fix all of the concerns. I now know that I simply need to listen to the concerns and then later we can figure out what we need to do about some of them.

7. Don’t talk to your wife the way you do the guys at work. Can I get an amen husbands? I learned that when scripture says the wife is like porcelain, it meant it. A woman’s heart is very fragile. My TypeA, Lion, High-D personality works great for production & high pressure at work. At home, however, I need to be gentle with my words, my tone, and my facial expressions.

8. Some drawers will never be closed and some trash bags will never be replaced. In case you were wondering, Tish is the one who leaves drawers open… everywhere. I am the one who doesn’t replace the trash bag after taking out the trash… ever. Early in our marriage I would get so frustrated with Tish about the drawers and she would get frustrated with me about the trash bags. Nine years in, I don’t think we even ask each other to try anymore. We’ve simply learned that there are some things not worth getting frustrated over. Drawers and trash bags are those things.

9. It’s ok if you rest in different ways. I like to spend a Saturday by waking up around 7:30-8:00, reading, being productive with whatever needs done, and THEN relaxing. Tish likes to spend a Saturday sleeping in past 8:00, resting and relaxing all morning, and then being productive later in the day. Early in marriage I would try to force her to rest my way, and she would try to force me to do it her way. Over the years we’ve learned that some weeks go my way, other weeks go her way, and some weeks we get both of our ways and we are ok with that. This may blow your minds men, but your wife should not be just like you.

10. Remind your wife and yourself that marriage is your greatest adventure in this life. I know what some of you are thinking; “Jesus is my greatest adventure in this life.” Touché. That is true. But of all of the callings and responsibilities he’s given you in this life, I would argue that marriage is the greatest adventure. It’s the adventure that best displays the gospel to the world (Eph 5). This adventure was given to us by God, to daily remind the world, and ourselves of the gospel. Marriage is an adventure, given to us by God, until the day that our spouse or we pass away. My prayer is that this adventure would last much longer than any job we have or church we serve. Long after there are people to pastor, there will be a wife to serve. It is easy, especially as a man, to get distracted by other adventures – success at work, pastoring my church, making money, winning battles in life, etc. The night my wife asked me if she was still my adventure was the night that I determined she would never have to ask me that question again.

The Adversary of Worry

I became a mother March 10 of this year. I remember watching this 14 year-old little blond, decked out in animal print, bounce out of a social worker’s car. I watched through the window trying to catch a glimpse of our answer to prayer. Here was our daughter that God had given us for an unknown amount of time to love and parent.

I had not personally felt the ferocious love of a mother that craves to protect and comfort. I was not prepared for the instantaneous worry that seemed to grip and claw at my new mother’s love.

I have found the worry of a mother to be industrious and creative, finding relentless angles to bombard my heart: Do I have what she needs? Will she come to know the Lord? Can she love us? Can I trust the system to make decisions on her behalf? How do I help her catch up in school? What does the future hold? Will she get to stay with us? When do I listen empathically and let her be where she is and when and how do I challenge thinking patterns and sin? When will the Lord provide good friends for her? How do we help her with her grief, brokenness, and trauma? How do we build trust?    . . . and on . . . and on.

Whether you are a single mom, a foster mom, an adoptive mom, a young mom, an experienced mom, a new mom or any combination the unknown is an antagonist we must combat. The enemy seeks to weaken and distract us with worry. Worry and trust in God cannot coexist, and when worry is present peace will be absent.

In the middle of the night I have laid in bed with a knotted stomach and streaming tears clinging to Philippians 4:6-7 like a lone buoy in the middle of the ocean.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Peace is not the absence of trial or conflict; it is the freedom of the mind from the distracting fixations of worry. However, peace is more than this and the meaning of peace is richer in the biblical context. Jesus says in John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” The peace that Christ leaves us with is right relationship with God and the reality of spiritual blessings in our lives bestowed on all the adoptive daughters and sons of God.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Rom 5:1

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places… Eph 1:3

Do not confuse spiritual blessing with the world’s concept of blessing. I speak of the promises of God laid out in scripture. Eternal promises from our Faithful and True One that eclipse all our earthly unknowns and extinguish our ravenous worry.

We know that God works all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose. -Rom 8:28

We know that God goes before us and will never leave us or forsake us. -Duet 31:8

We know that our present sufferings are temporary and cannot compare to the future glory that will be revealed in us. –Rom 8:18

We know that God goes with us to fight for us against our enemies, giving us the victory. –Duet 20:4

We know that his divine power will uphold us and that he has given us everything we need for life and godliness. -2 Pet 1:3

We know that he sends forth his word to heal us and rescues us from destruction. –Ps 107:20

We know that he generously gives wisdom to those who ask him. –Js 1:5

We know he will provide for all our needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us through Christ Jesus. –Phil 4:19

We know greater is Christ in us than Satan who is in the world. -1 Jn 4:4

We must allow God’s promises to establish an unshakeable trust in him, which forges the way for peace. We must wield these promises as our spiritual weapons against worry. We must meditate on them and pray them over our children.

I cannot make my daughter happy. I cannot heal her sweet beautiful heart. I cannot take away her fears. I cannot make it better. I must trust God with her. We cannot be what only God can be for our children. Fire yourself from being your child’s savior. Hear Jesus speaking over you, “Do not let your heart be troubled. Do not be afraid. I see. I understand. I am here. I am in control. Trust me.”

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock. Is 26:3-4

Criticisms, Infinity Scarves, and Mama Bears

Being the wife of a pastor, I feel like criticism is an innate part of our journey. But if you are around humans in general criticism will be something that you and your families will face. Sometimes it will be criticism that God wants to use to humble and sanctify us and other times the criticism will be unjust and the sanctification comes from how we choose to walk through it and love people through it.

We have all had that dreaded email come into our inbox or read to us by our husband. Or we have known that gut twisting feeling when we hear through the grapevine that someone is unhappy or offended by us. I am not going to address how the Bible teaches us to approach a brother or sister in this blog, but I do want to discuss the emotional response in the heart of a woman to these situations in two simple points:

When criticism comes, the enemy will attack you with insecurity.

I remember one Sunday night early in our ministry, receiving an email from an unhappy church member that left me emotionally reeling. She was going through a very hard time in life and was channeling her anger full force at my husband. I had had a friendship with this wounded woman; we had shared meals, sonic drinks and laughs together. Immediately insecurity welled up in my heart. How could she actually believe this about my husband and what was she thinking about me? I remember the insecurity choking the oxygen out of my throat and at that moment ran to my favorite chair and flung the book of Psalms open. When I feel emotionally askew I tend to retreat into the Psalms, which I affectionately call the electric blanket of the Bible. While reading, I remember the Holy Spirit speaking very clearly in my heart, “Tish if you do not learn to conquer your insecurity it will conquer you.” Truth be told, I like to be liked…and at times in my life, especially at the beginning of ministry, it caused me lots of problems. Setting the opinions of man above God’s rule in our lives is a sure recipe for insecurity. Engaging in a journey that is seeking to find our confidence and identity in Christ alone is the only lasting healing and victory over insecurity.

When criticism comes, the enemy will attack you with the temptation of bitterness and resentment.

When criticism comes to our family we can set the emotional thermometer of the response. Our words and reactions hold great influence over our husbands and children. This influence is a powerful force either in the hands of Christ, or our flesh and the enemy. How we react is important. With this being said, I can honestly say that the only times in life that I have wholeheartedly believed myself capable of physical violence is when someone has wounded my husband or someone dear to me. The emotional reaction can be… um… quite strong. Women have an attack reflex when it comes to our families if we feel like they are being harmed. Now obviously we are not actually going to choke someone out with our infinity scarves, although we may feel like it. However, this attack reflex can translate into bitterness and resentment very quickly. Ultimately, we are not the defenders of our family, but Christ is. We must remember in these key moments that there is a very real war raging and it is not against flesh and blood, but against the enemy who desires to discourage and destroy our families, our churches, and relationships. People are not the ultimate problem, sin is. If we do not engage with a spiritual and kingdom mindedness we cannot respond with love, patience, and wisdom.

When we free ourselves from the entanglements of insecurity and bitterness we allow God to use us by his Spirit to minister in the situation according to godly discernment and wisdom. We can encourage our husbands and families not by berating someone else but by being women who have words of grace, truth, and reconciliation. We can lend strength because we will not be weakened by insecurity or resentment. Our mama bear attack reflex is a real thing but God does not desire people to be the “victim”, he desires the enemy and his schemes against our families, churches and communities to be defeated by our instinct to fight.

So, you beautiful women, fight on.

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. – Heb 12:15

 

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. – Prov 12:18

 

Do nothing from selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant…he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. – Phil 2:3-6

 

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hears, to which indeed you were called in one body. – Col 3:12-14

This One’s for the Moms

This one’s for the moms

Mothers of every beautiful variety, moms who delve out the love and grace of God every single day.

It may look like business as usual but it is weighty, eternal, and sacred work.

To the moms who are mothers in their hearts but have not yet seen God’s plan fulfilled, may God comfort you with hope and promise in the waiting room until his plan dawns like the sun.

You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?…This I know, that God is for me. Ps 56:8-9

He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names. Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure. Ps 147: 3-5

To the adoptive and foster moms who have quieted the cries of orphans one little one at a time. May God give you His infinite wisdom and his unfailing strength as your family proclaims the distinct truths that God is the Defender of the weak and the Father to the fatherless.

Even if my mother and father abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Ps 27:10

God provides homes for those who are deserted. Ps 86:6

And we pray with the psalmist, Lord continue to defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked. Psalm 82:3-4

To the grandmas who are the saving strength of their daughters and provide the delight and attention that becomes a stabilizing rock for little hearts and hands. Your prayers move mountains and banish the evil one. Your brilliant love and belief in your little ones grant a bravery and confidence that will be worn as armor as new paths and futures are forged.

Their children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed. Ps 112:2

And his mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation. Luke 1:50

To the grandmas who are raising their grandchildren, may God bless you a hundred fold for your selfless-love. My grandparents cared for me from diapers to toddling and then again through my teen years. They saved my life. May God strengthen your heart, mind, and body for the task and may His surprises of provision be abundant.

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint…even youths shall faint and be weary…but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not be faint. Is 40:31

To the moms who have lost a child, any words of comfort are small. You carry the loss in your bones, and blood, and every breath you breathe. May the God of all might be near to you in every way you need.

You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness. Psalm 18:28

David speaks about his infant son saying, ‘I will go to him one day, but he will not return to me.’ 2 Sam 12:23

God is within her she will not fall, God will help her at break of day. Ps 46:5

To the single moms, no one but God really knows how much grit, moxie, and perseverance you demonstrate every morning, day, and night. May the God Who Provides sustain and replenish you.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:19

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 2 Cor 9:8

Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Mt 11:28

To the moms to be whose bellies will soon tell the story of motherhood. The heavens rejoice with you at the wonder of a new life. May praise be on your lips as God strengthens you through this business of growing a human!

You have taught children and infants to tell of your strength, silencing your enemies and all who oppose you. Ps 8:2

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Ps 139:16

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Ps 127:3

To the women who are remembering moms lost today, may there be smiles with the tears as you remember beautiful lives. May God confirm to you how her beauty and wisdom live through you every day, bringing glory to God.

and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.. Rev 21:4

For since we believe Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive, and remain until the coming of the Lord, shall not precede those who have fallen asleep. 1 Thess 4:13

To the moms that I have admired from afar, the moms I have learned from in close range, and the moms I now mother beside thank you for inspiring me and comforting me. To my sister and the friends that I have seen step into motherhood with grace, godliness, and strength watching you has filled me with awe…if only you could know how beautiful you are to me. Thank you for reminding me that God is not a God of one kind of beauty but His unfathomable and immeasurable beauty is rendered through your lovely differences.

To Mamma D who came into my life at 7 years old. You were so full of life I just wanted to be like you! You were a comfort to me in confusing and dark time. You were the first true fighter I ever knew. You have persevered with humor and grit. You are amazing to me. Love you.

To my Grandma, your love was the rock I found my footing on. Thank you for wanting me and setting your affection on me from my first day. Thank you for raising me…thank you for everything. I would be nowhere without you. I think of you every single day, and I await the day I will see you again and we will rejoice in all the Lord’s goodness together.

To my mom, who God gave me at 21 years old you have taught me how to be a daughter. You have shown me the refuge of a mother’s love. You have shown me the warrior’s strength a mother has for her children, in the Lord. You have sat down in my darkness and waited with me for the Lord’s deliverance. You have leaped and danced in the streets with me at the break of light. Your mother’s love has has taught me how to be a mom like nothing else has or could.

Today I praise God for every child who is not motherless. I praise the God whose imagination brought forth this brilliant thing called motherhood. Today I praise God for each one of my sisters who are called or one day will be called, mom. We celebrate the moms of every variance and kind. Realizing that each of us are an exquisite gift that has come down from the Father of lights, full of purpose to illuminate the glorious character of our God.IMG_2029

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24 Hours. 1,440 Minutes. 86,400 Seconds.

Time is money they say. Time is a commodity, a currency. I imagine that if time became the miraculous new product on the market, life savings would be emptied and credit card balances would sky rocket as mankind rushed out to buy a little more time. Just enough to make the dark circles go away, to finish that project, to get a little more time with family, we could start working out, we might take a vacation, or maybe just a long hot quiet bath, we could stay up better on politics, we could get ahead on our homework, we could volunteer in the church nursery like we’ve been meaning to, we’d talk to our families more, we would read the bible more, we’d update the pictures in our picture frames, we’d wash our base boards and dust our ceiling fans, we’d watch documentaries, and be more well read…All of our hopes and dreams could be ours if only we had a little more time. We could be the people we wish were with the lives we wish we had if only we had a little more time. We would all become “time” addicts. Soon there would be reality tv shows about people who had spiraled into self-destruction through their addiction to just one more minute.

The truth is 24 hours is what we got ladies. A lifetime of 24-hour days, for however long God gives us breathe is what we have. The hours we have are our chance at faith, obedience, and living a life for a greater purpose than ourselves. It is our chance for our lives to matter before time ceases and the heavens roll open.

 All flesh is like grass, and all its glory like a flower of the grass. The grass withers, and the flower drops off, but the word of the Lord endures forever. 1 Pet 1:24-25

All of our worldly pursuits amount to nothing unless our lives are driven by and lived for the Ancient of Days and the Eternal One. Every minute we invest in Him and what he has called us to do, is a minute invested into eternity. These minutes for his glory and for His name will echo out for the ages to come.

Don’t collect for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But collect for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves don’t break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Mt. 6:19-21

If you are like me sometimes it’s easy to say yes to the big steps of obedience. “Sure, we’ll move to Bolivar and plant a church Lord (even though I didn’t know what church planting is exactly). “Yes Lord, we’ll follow you to Kansas City to a call of bi-vocational church planting and a job at Midwestern Seminary.” However, sometimes it’s in the daily nitty-gritty that the lines of obedience and busyness get blurred.

How do we balance ministry, careers, having friendships, time with our spouses, time with our children, homework, mentoring, serving, and time with Jesus? How do we then manage to squeeze in laundry, concert recitals, filling sippy-cups, grocery shopping, running errands, soccer games, cooking, and personal hygiene?!?

Prioritize Obedience over busyness. Ditch the lie that you should have it all together. This is perfectionism, pride, and a trap of defeat. Yes, we should be growing, but when chasing after the ideal versions of ourselves we terminate our chase of God. The goal is to walk in obedience. Ask the Lord, what does obedience look like in my life right now. Then say no to some things, so you can say yes to the “obedience things”. Obedience can look very different depending on your calling, gifting, and season of life. You may have small children, you may have a medical difficulty, you may be newly married, you may be a single mom…and each season will warrant obedience that looks quite different. We must stop comparing ourselves to other women with different gifts who are in different seasons of life. God may be asking you to do more, he might be asking you to do less, he might be challenging you to take Sabbath rest. The goal is prioritizing so that the time we do have is spent intentionally on obedience, for the glory of God and the advancement of His kingdom. Seek God for what obedience looks like in this season, prioritize accordingly, then rest your heart. If we keep our plates endlessly full of the ‘shoulds’ we will miss out on key focus and ministry priorities from God.

Christ is our foremost priority. He is life and from him comes all we need for life and godliness. So whether you sneak a few minutes while breast-feeding to read your IPhone ESV Bible app or whether you have time to do an in depth bible study, drink in his presence and ingest His word. Without him we are sunk and everything we do is without significance.

To live life without God is the most unproductive thing you can do. – Matt Perman

 Second priority is our spouses, if married and then our children. No one else can be your husband’s wife. No one else is the helpmate to him personally and to his calling. So we prioritize time to serve our spouses and to connect and cultivate friendship. If we have thriving friendships and intimacy first with God and then with our spouses this will bring stability and strength to our hands as we pour out the pitchers of our lives and energy for others. Again work within the realm of possibility. For you a date right now might be eating leftover rice krispies and drinking decaf on the back porch after the kids are in bed. Maybe connecting looks like using your date night money for a babysitter and making peanut butter sandwiches for the park, so you can get out of the house together. Staying connected might mean going to bed at the same time every night, or just committing that in the chaos of life when you lay eyes on your spouse after a long day you pause, look into his sweet face, and kiss him. Prioritizing your spouse, second only to God, is a ‘make it or break it’ in our callings as wives.

We are called to self-death. Sometimes I have wanted to be stingy with my time and my family time. I can start to think and believe life and ministry is about me. At times I have felt resentful at the cost of ministry. Before I know it I’m eating jelly-beans in bulk and throwing an extravagant pity party. The truth is life is not for us or about us, but our lives find worth in the glory it brings to God. He will ask us to submit to His will, he will ask us to abandon comfort, he will call us to do things that feel impossible. Though the call to ministry and being a disciple of Christ is a call of self-sacrifice. Each day I have a decision to make. Will I be obedient to the point of self-death? Will I count the cost and still follow Him? Will I carry my cross until my hands are swollen and bloody with splinters?

 Therefore my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. 1 Cor 15:58

 

Christ Jesus…who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of the servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Phil 2:6-8

 

As we are submitting our flesh and selfishness to the Lord, embracing our calling, and seeking God for what obedience looks like for us in each season this frees us up to rest in obedience. Obedience is success. Obedience is victory. Obedience is progress. Obedience is worship. Faith lived out in obedience is everything he is asking of you.

 

Sticks and Stones

What do we do with the unanswered questions? The whys? The where was God when…? What do we say when we stare across a table at unfathomable eyes that have seen and known unthinkable suffering? The difficulty can be in believing that the God of the Universe actually values, even prizes the intimacy of entering into the tumultuous chaos of our blackest moments of despair and faith struggles. Do we believe our strife to be a betrayal towards a God that cannot tolerate our frailty? Or worse, do we believe he is indifferent?

The truth is he does not want our theologically tidy prayers that ignore the realities of human experience. Our communion with Christ, if true, must encompass the fullness of our human experience, lest we truncate the height and depth of the love of Christ.

The Psalmist teaches us to carry our greatest joys to the feet of Jesus and also our most extreme heartbreaks. It is not only allowed, but it is the way of God approved, theologically sound, practice in prayer and worship. The Psalms call for the exhaustive recount of our sorrows to God as we appeal to him for response and action.  This is an act of boldness that stands on the firm ground of our covenantal relationship with God, this covenant that declares we are His and He is ours by the blood of the cross. The authentic relationship with God will not only survive the lament, but will thrive in the place where one’s heart is laid open before their God in absolute nakedness. God cannot meet us in a place that we are denying exists or minimizing. Stating our feelings before him is our declarative invitation that we want Him and need him, even that our survival depends on Him.

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long ..must I have sorrow in my heart all the day?

But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your steadfast love, my heart will rejoice in your salvation.

– Psalm 13

The lament is the response of faith and dependence on God. The lamenting prayer also seems to be the mysterious starting block to walking in a newness of life after brokenness. We see many times that after the Psalmist has emptied their heart before God there is a shift indicated by the little, transformative word ‘but’. This is the word that seems to express the moment when God’s strength meets the outstretched hand of the lamenter. The lament insists that after conveying our emotional, relational, and physical devastations to God we remember that our hope is ultimately and only God himself. When all is lost, Christ is not lost to us.

It takes only a couple of minutes to read a Psalm, but we do not know the life journey and time that it took for the Psalms to form in the heart of the Psalter. It may have been days, weeks, months, or years of lamenting and clinging to God’s faithfulness.  However long, lamenting is a pilgrimage to healing, peace, and newness. There is no need to professionalize our prayers. There is permission to raise a voice of honesty for yourself or another. A mandate to cry out in the midst of pain, to a God who sees and hears.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, for the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest…

But you, O Lord, do not be far off!  O you my help, come quickly to my aid!…I will tell of you your name to my brothers; in the midst of the congregation I will praise you..

-Psalm 22

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:26

O God, insolent men have risen up against me; a band of ruthless men seeks my life..

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.

-Psalm 86:14-15

They band together against the life of the righteous and condemn the innocent to death.

But the Lord has become my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge.

Psalm 94:21-22

Jones, Logan C. . “The Psalms of Lament and the Transformation of Sorrow.” The

Journal of Pastoral Care and Counseling 61 (2007): 47-58.

“This is my story. This is my song.”

This past summer I traveled to see where my mother grew up. The desire to know her has been a constant companion, that after all these years I still cannot shake. It has driven me to seek her out.  The first time I was sixteen and my grandparents hired a detective to track her paper trail. We found her and arranged to have dinner with her and her boyfriend as they were passing through town. I remember wearing hot pink and hoping that she would think I was pretty. It was a dinner of stumbling through small talk, but I didn’t care it felt like a start. When I was eighteen I tracked her down again and invited her to my high school graduation.  She promised she would come, but she didn’t. Then again three years later I sought her out, found a number for her from a relative and called her to invite her to my wedding in 2005. She said she had a hotel and that she would be there. Again she never came. That was the last contact I’ve had with her until this summer.

I wanted to go to her hometown and see where she grew up and meet any family if possible. She is full blood Ponca Indian and we are both on the roll so I went to the tribal office with my Indian card and they new her family.  They said I had a cousin that lived up the road, named Laverne.

I walked up to a trailer set back from a highway and tried to steady my hand, as I knocked despite two tiny, but viciously barking dogs that emerged from under the cinder block steps. An Indian woman answered the door with weathered skin and graying long hair. I told her who I was and she welcomed me in immediately, and said she always wondered if I would show up. She told me her story, one of God’s redemption. Her eyes were shining with gratitude as she recounted how Christ saved her from a lifetime of addiction. In her small dim living room she had a picture of Jesus and underneath was a small table with a bible singularly and proudly displayed in the center.

I asked her about my mom and she narrated what she knew. My mom was fifteen years old and in foster care when she got pregnant for the first time. Her unborn child belonged to her foster parents son, there were allegations of rape but nothing came of it. She was removed and put in a group home for trouble teens where her baby was put up for adoption and where she met my dad. Shortly after, she became pregnant with me. They got married and divorced when I was an infant.  For years both had known the ravage that addiction inflicts on the mind and soul, so the court ruled I would go to foster care. My paternal grandparents where in court that day and they described this moment so many times I feel like I was there. I can see my grandpa stand up and ask, “Can we have her?” Remembering this, I feel overwhelmed by gratitude for my grandparents and for the God who provided for me in that minute.

My mother came and went through this time. Although it’s pre-memory I’ve seen pictures and can plainly see that I formed a strong attachment and loved her as my mother, which explains my later seemingly irrational desire to find her and know her. My Dad though struggling with addiction and being very young always wanted to be a good dad.  He worked hard at a very young age, against all odds to get me back. I moved away to live with him from 5 years old to 12years old. My mother would come and go twice again. These times I do remember. I remember cuddling with her on a couch as she read. I remember she always left without saying goodbye. My Dad, is one of the most incredible human beings I know and was a very loving and good dad, and the years from 5 to 8 with him are some of my most treasured. However, addictions assault on him would not yet be won for some years. His addiction progressed to the point that he was dealing and manufacturing meth. This is the scariest and saddest time I can remember. My Dad went to prison and was in jail on and off until I was 18 years old. My sweet little brother went to foster care and I lived with my grandparents again at this time.

My grandparents were attending Grace World Outreach Church in Enid, Ok. I was twelve years old and hemorrhaging grief and sadness. The girls in the youth group were so nice. Honestly I just wanted to be around them. They invited me into their world like it was nothing. One night one of their moms prayed for me and shared Christ with me. I don’t remember the specifics, I just remember crying all over her poor shirt and feeling flooded with the truths, “I’m not alone.” and “God sees me and loves me.”  It was in that youth group under the care of my youth pastor, Kent, and the Grace World family that I came to understand grace, hope, salvation, and truth.

My redemption began with the redeeming of my soul. Over the years this redemption has reached into my past, present, and it reaches into my future as well.  When I came to Christ I had a u-haul of baggage that would take us more than a decade to unpack. He knew that if he brought it to light all at once it would have ended me. So over the years he has strengthened my faith, and insisted on more healing, which strengthens my faith, which can enable more healing. I have gone to counselors, battled depression, post-traumatic stress from abuse, and a whole paradigm of faulty belief systems about God and myself. I have spent time in dark spiritual and emotional dungeons, and I have seen Christ come for me and heal me again and again.

I heard from Laverne (my mom’s family) shortly after our visit. They had heard from my mother and she was very sick with sclerosis of the liver. They were bringing her home for medical care. Over a couple of weeks I made plans through my mom’s family to come see her. Laverne had told me she had spoken to my mom about our conversation.  Laverne told me that my mom had responded saying, “she probably hates me.”  And Laverne had responded, “no she doesn’t hate you she forgives you. She is a Christian woman now.” I’m so glad to know those little words were spoken on my behalf to my mom. I wanted to tell her of Christ and how he’s saved me. I wanted her to look in my face and see forgiveness and hope. I thought, “I’ve always wanted her to come to me.  That was too much to ask.  This time I will go to her.” The week came and as I tried to finalize plans all the sudden I couldn’t get a hold of anyone. I left messages and tried all the numbers I had been given.  By the fifth day I realized I wasn’t going. Two weeks after this I heard from Laverne and she said, “I’m so sorry, Sherry doesn’t want to see you. And we didn’t know how to tell you.”

Sherry couldn’t believe in my forgiveness, so facing me and her failures were unbearable.  She robbed herself.  If she could not believe in my forgiveness how much more does she doubt the forgiveness of the God of the universe who has the power to make her new?  For the first time in my life I understood.  For, in my healing process over the years when the Lord was asking me to face more hurt and baggage from the past, I wanted to turn back.  I didn’t want to face the pain and with healing sometimes it can only come when we are thrust into waters that seem dangerous and impossible on our own. We want to believe that it will be worth the excruciating burn of the refining fire but fear makes us doubt. It’s important we don’t hold back. It’s important we step with wobbly knees forward through our fear, because Christ always comes through. He will rescue each time strengthening our faith, growing intimacy with him, and healing our brokenness. Redeeming our stories for his glory.

Shortly after this contact with my mother, I sat across a table with our social worker doing our home study for foster care.  Tears streamed down my face as a new level of this redemption in my life became clear.  You see my rejections, abuse, and broken heart as a child makes me especially equipped to mother rejected, abused and broken-hearted children.  I admit, it’s likely going to be the toughest thing I’ve ever done, but I believe that God is going to allow me to mother children I never could have mothered with a different story.  All those times I wanted to run away from his redemptive process in my life, I praise God he helped me stay.  Because if I was still broken hearted I would have nothing to offer my children that I have yet to hold.  No strength or hope.  And so, I look forward to the future trusting in my faithful God, knowing that I will only grow more astounded with his beautiful redeeming ways until my last breath.

“…He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and burst their bonds apart…He sent forth his word and healed them and delivered them from their destruction.”

Ps 107:14, 20

“And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new…Write this down, for these words are faithful and true.”

Rev 21:5

“He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters.”

Ps 18:17

“You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.”

Ps 32:7

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